Okay, my school is filled so many impatient bitches that will kill for first piece of food in the cafeteria! So I just got out of Geometry, which is the class I hate most so I wasn’t in the happiest mood when I got out since we just took a test in there and I think I scored maybe a 60 or 70. So after class finished I headed straight to the cafeteria, because I was starving to death and just wanted to relax with some food and friends. I was doing the usual, walk in there with a friend and just wait in line for my food. These mother fucking hoes thought it would be funny and smart to push everyone to the front so the line would move faster. No bitch, you’re not funny and you’re all fucking idiots. So after like 3 minutes of constant pushing, shoving, and being so damn close to everyone around you I decided to move a little bit to the side so I wouldn’t be that squished, but somehow I ended up in the same spot! After that happening, another retarded thing happened that just made me want to go insane. These bitches behind decided to fucking give us all in the front one big push so we could all either fall or something funny happen. When they did that, one of my earrings fell out! I didn’t know until I was fixing my bottom earring. I was was so pissed because I was scared it was going to close when I got home and that those were my favorite earrings! Now I have to wear my other earrings that are odd color so the hole won’t close! Ugh! Are these bitches really that impatient and hungry to not fuck around for their food or enjoyment!? Like, really bitch?! Really? I should step on your faces and throw some dog shit at you for making me lose my favorite earrings!
Today was pretty much the same thing as the other day of school. I got lost, saw old friends, made new friends, yadi yadi ya….but this is how all my classes went down today.
Second block: So I got kinda lost to this class, but the moment I found it, I walked in with such excitement, because I saw some familiar faces in there so I thought “maybe it won’t be so awkward.” As the teacher was taking roll I heard her call out “insert name here” and I was in shock. I was turning my head slowly and I saw “him” I was screaming on the inside, because this really really really cute buff guy that I had a huge crush on since eighth grade was in my AP Lang class and I didn’t even know! Ahhh! I was fangirling! So after all that chaos we went to go get our textbook and damn! They’re like bibles for our class! Someone was nice enough to put a sticky note inside my book that said,”Bless your soul for having this AP English book. Good luck in the class. Nov 2011.” I was kinda happy…hhaha. One bad thing about this class is that I got it with this one gay guy who apparently looks like me…People only say that because we both had blonde hair, we’re both Asian, and we we’re both gay. Some even say we’re either brothers or we’re dating. I kinda hate him, because of all of this, but I feel bad because I shouldn’t hate someone for others opinions.
Fourth Block: It was time for PE, but they haven’t really prepared for teaching our class yet, because it’s still only the first days of school. All I did in there really was just talk to my friend about how I should tell my mom that I’m gay, but I’m not dying just yet. Then I kinda made a new friend I guess, she’s so funny and nice! I have her in three of my classes.
Sixth block: This class was boring too, but I got to sit next to one of my friends that I have a really big crush on. (He’s straight…) We got to do a little lab, but it was just with pennies and water.
Eighth block: It was the end of the day and I get to end it with a teacher I know from this new confusing campus and it’s a fun elective! I got to sit next to a good friend who I’ve known since freshmen year and I can always talk to her about anything! I love that girl! I was talking to everyone in this class, because it was so…I can’t even describe how fun and free it was in there! After class ended, I saw one of them friends leave and I moved his backpack and he was like “what?” I was just said “oh I wanted to look at your ass” Ahhh good times already!
So school has finally started and today wasn’t really my day since I was a student to a new campus. I mean I got to see a lot of old friends which was practically the highlight of my day. So my classes today went down like this…
First block: I had to get to Spanish 1, but I accidentally walked into a Spanish 2 class because my friend told me the wrong number classroom and where it was.
Third block: This block wasn’t so bad since I have it with 3 very good friends. The only bad about this class is that my ex girlfriend and her recent ex boyfriend who tried to threaten me is also in this class…I know, awkward.
Fifth block: I fucking got lost to this class and went to another differnt subject class. So I had geometry this block but I went to a AP psychology class. I felt so stupid walking out of that classroom. I felt like a freshmen all over again. Ugh! This kid asked me for a piece of paper and didn’t even use it! He just used it to seem like he was working. I was like no bitch, don’t ask me for paper of you’re not gonna use it. Wasting my shit like that. No
Seventh block: I got to chillout and relax in this class because 4 very good friends are in there to keep me company. This fucking kid next to me kept fidgeting and hitting me everytime he would go into his backpack! I want to punch him in the eye so bad because it was so cramped and hot in the music room. It was also choir that I had for this block.
So it’s a Sunday so me, my mom, and my two brothers do the usual. Go to church, eat breakfast, and then go home. Well today went a little different since my oldest brother wasn’t here. We went to church, for the first 10 minutes my second oldest brother decided to throws his sunglasses at some random lady for reason unknown, so my mom tells him go outside to relax himself. He goes outside and fucking leaves! So me and my mom had to attend church alone, which made my mom sad, because she wants us to be closer but I guess my brother can’t let her have her way. As church finished we call my brother for about 20 minutes and he doesn’t damn well pick up his phone. Dude we bought you a phone for a fucking reason, bring with you at all times and have it ready so we can know where the hell you are! During the ride home my mom is telling me how shes sick and tired of all of this. She just kept saying,”I’m going to leave you guys and force you to live with dad.” To be honest I don’t care anymore. Go ahead mom, leave! Like everyone else who have come and gone from our my life! I’m too used to it! You’ve taught me enough to fend for myself. Seriously the door is open. GO!
I hate telling someone my thoughts and feelings since I feel like I’m just wasting their time and mine. Ever since I was a kid I have never talk to anyone about my problems. Whenever I came home from a long day of school, I just come home and sat in my room and just cried until I fell asleep. I know its going to sound pretty selfish but I wish I got the attention every kid got from their parent(s) and for once I’d be happier. Knowing my parents care how I feel and not just about my grades and my future for once would be nice.
After a fun night of talking and laughing with him, I knocked out into deep sleep. I had the worst nightmare last night. So my dream took place in the mall and I was with my friends. We were on our way to the day spa since we got an all expense paid relation day from the manager. As I was getting my face message, I turned my head and I see someone. I took a better look and it was someone who I used to liked. I couldn’t help but freeze up at the sight since I attacked with all of these random emotions. He decided to approach me and while my friends just giggled and laughed with him, I was just staring him down with the look of death. After he walked away I decided to chase after him and I told him that I really missed him. All he did was just laugh and tell me that I was nothing to him. After that I just woke up all hot and sweaty. I took a second to calm down and I started crying, I couldn’t help it.
I hate these nights, so much. I never have anyone to talk to, but when I do we either have boring conversations or they just hit on me. If I wanted you to hit on me, I’d usually give a sign, if not I just want a regular conversation. I just want, no scratch I NEED a boyfriend that will stay up with me, no matter how late it is! I wish I could webcam or be on the phone with them the whole night or until one of us falls asleep. Having someone on the phone with me or being on webcam with them gives me so much comfort that I can have a good nights sleep and when I wake up I can wake up happy knowing I got a good nights rest from talking to them and listening to them talk to me about anything. Sometimes these nights aren’t that bad since they give me time to myself to think, but all I can think about is negative thoughts.
I learned that high school isn’t a joke and that I need to get my shit together! I’m a average student that took average classes, while student with 4.0 or higher are taking AP classes and having UCs paying close attention to them hence giving them a higher chance of getting accepted. While being tortured in school I learned that I can’t trust any of these fools at my school. You may think you know someone, but in reality you can be wrong about them. I thought I could have been best friends with someone, but it seems they don’t care enough about our friendship. I always thought that friends would always be there for you, but yet I was wrong.
What I need to focus on is my life and myself. I never should have try to find love. It all started the same by me liking them ,but then ends by either they don’t like me back, play with my feelings, use me, or they lose interest. I would end up either fucking up a friendship or will hate them. I regret everything I’ve done this year with half the people I know. Another thing about “love” is that it’s all bullshit! (My thoughts about it at the moment) Men can be such asshole! They only care about the attention they get, but when it all stops they either stop talking to you or they try to sweet talk into thinking they “care”, bitch get to the fuck out of there!
Finding myself was a hard thing this year to learn about and to understand. Everyone tells me that being gay is alright and that there’s nothing wrong with being gay, but then I can see myself with a future with a guy since I was taught that you have to marry a woman and have children of your own. I wish I would just stop time so I would be able to be alone and think!
For some reason I felt like today was going to be a bad day, but I didn’t listen to myself. I told myself I would never do it again, but once again I didnt listen to myself! I need more self control. It was bad enough I got caught doing it but now with my family finding out, I can’t help but feel the shame I brought upon myself and my family. I couldn’t help, but cry so hard on the ride home. I had to explain to my brother everything and now he just looks at me so differently. The tears just kept on pouring and pouring. When I finally explained to him why I did it I told him that “I never get a say in this family” so then he asked me “what do you mean?” I told him that everyone never listens to what I have to say and that they don’t even know who I am. I finally confessed that I don’t know what my sexually was. He told me that it doesn’t matter if I’m gay or straight but as long as I was happy and to make my mom happy. How can I make mom happy if she has another gay son in the family?! I mean there’s nothing wrong with being gay or anything but I just can’t see myself being married to a man. I was always taught that I HAVE to marry a woman and have kids of my own to carry on the name but for some reason I can’t see myself with a woman either. My brother told me that my happiness matters, but my happiness is making my mom happy and so far I’ve only made her be constantly dissappointed. I’m sorry that I can’t be a better son. If I could I wish I could stop the way I was born.
